Pain of being an outsider. .

 I just wish nobody goes through this painful feeling of losing people & see them ignore you forever. I knew this would happen, and it did few days back, the day I had my hopes pinned onto. Even my birthday could not melt the heart . . perhaps I forgot, Depression is the best gift a Cancerian can ever have. Sometimes I think is it only about “Brooding over the past?” but no, its not only that. Its a case of "give and take" gone awfully wrong. My heart attempts to search for a moral justification in a grim hope to get something back. .
                            Seeing someone leave you even when you gave up all you could; what went wrong so badly; this thought never leaves my mind. As if every part of ME is bleeding in that pain. This void created is so strong, it swallows up all my efforts to move ahead. Weeks and months of efforts to control myself are destroyed in a moment.. People say change is law of nature; it might be. But I would rather accept death than seeing someone so close change so much!

Loneliness continues..

Befriending someone becomes so hard once you have lost a closed one to situations of your life.. Its painful to realize and believe that you are the only person who is sensitive to that situation.. Time has passed by since then ..but there is no change in sadness and there is no hope to be happy. feelings have gone cold & I feel numb. So much so that I don't crave for anyone now; and it has begun reflecting in all relations around me.
Will you really understand what I feel? Will you ever be able to understand what stories are woven in the delicate scars that sadly decorate my skin? If i sit down and once tell you all the truth, will you ever believe it? Distinguishing the real happiness and the fake one is so so hard but both are still very close.... will you ever be able to distinguish?
What a person feels can never be measured. I may not be able to put it into words, those have their limitations. Still there are others, people I shall never even meet, who understand exactly what it is like being hurt.

Loneliness around...

Loneliness, one of the worst feelings in this world. Sitting in the dark all by yourself in the wee hours of night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass by monotonously and before you know its all gone. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Sometimes you aren't sure if you are walking towards something or you are just walking away. I have often spent nights awake listening to the rain, talking to my heart & trying to explain why do I have such an intense attachment which never allows me to leave someone.. set myself free ..
For nights which I have slept, I have always felt a strange fear going to bed, because I know right when I start to open my eyes ..and am about to feel happy .. I realize the reality.. and that pain nearly swallows me whole..
When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - their voice no more seems to be calling for you and their scents fade away from their clothes in their closets & drawers. Sometimes you come across a missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, then comes another day, and another specifically missing part.